Cumulous Nimbus

I knew that I would have good days and bad days. I was not ready for a rough day to happen today. The frustration of insurance, the worry of money, the realization that my actions (even if not meant) are affecting others, the fitful sleep, the sour orange, have all gotten me a little down today.

I had a horrible time sleeping last night. Waking up more times than I care to count, thinking about my insurance. Worried that they are not paying for everything. It really is a silly thing to get to me, but I guess I have let it get to me today.

So, in the effort to keep my chin up I brought some wonderful, sweet oranges to work. Thinking it was a better choice than the fudge someone brought, I carefully peeled it so as not to get it on my white dress shirt. Smelling the fragrant aroma my mouth was watering. Slowly I took my first expectant bite....ouch. It bit back. The orange was so sour I couldn't even finish the first bite. Since that was a complete bomb I went to wash my hands. As I was drying off, I noticed that my tie was now wet. Guess I washed more than my hands. Ugh...

It sure is funny how there are days that we "carry our own weather." It seems that when I am down that the storms of life billow up a little taller.

In an effort to stay out of my own rain...I ended up eating a piece of fudge. Of course it wasn't what I really wanted, but it was better than a sour orange. For the rest of the day...not sure. Guess I will have to see what I can do to change my weather station.

A Journey of Life

Life has been an interesting ride lately. In fact, I am not even sure what to write. Guess I will start with something simple - gratitude.

The gratitude that I have is for the amount of prayers that have been flooding my way. I have never requested anyone to pray for me, but I have definitely felt the wonderful affects. The power of the priesthood and the blessings I have received have truly sustained me in a difficult time.

I am sure there will be many difficult days and months ahead, but I feel the loving peace of Christ each and everyday. One part of my blessing reminded me to see how a caring Father in Heaven is ever mindful of us. He continues to bless us, even when we may not feel worthy to receive it.

Becky asked me the other day if I felt prepared to meet our Heavenly Father face to face. I do not think that anyone truly feels ready - I see so much that I need to improve upon. And yet, compared to yesterday, last month, or last year, I am much more ready today. I think that is how life helps us learn. If we were born ever ready to return to heaven there would be no need for this mortal life. So, in that aspect I see that I am not ready to return home. But I am more prepared today than in the past. And my goal and constant prayer is that I will be more ready tomorrow than I am today.

This isn't meant to be the "Mark is dieing" entry, just a subtle reminder to myself that I have so much to live for. Even today, as I am facing the reality that the doctors think I have cancer, I am upbeat. I am grateful. I am happy. And most of all I am loved.

My hope is that I can live a life dedicated to Christ. That I may be able to give back what I have so aptly taken - the prayer and love of others. This life is truly a journey. One, that if lived each day with the understanding that we are the sons and daughters of a Heavenly King, will bring us back to His presence.

I really enjoy fast and testimony meetings. The kids are so simple in their understanding of life. Without fail few of the young children will stand and declare their love for their family. I too stand with those sweet children announcing my love for my family. They are what sustains me in life. They are the Journey of Life we take together.

Fast Cars and Freedom

One of the problems with my trip is that it is full of business meetings. It seems I have very little time to "enjoy" the country. That only happened on the first day here when we went to Alexander Platz and the Brandenburg Gate. Wonderful places of history.

It was truly amazing to stand where the Berlin wall was. The emotions running through my veins were a mixture of sadness and gratitude. The sadness was from realizing that I was standing where brave souls died for the dreams and hopes of a better life. As I reflected on that almost sacred ground, the gratitude I felt for not only my own individual freedoms, but that I was amongst Berliners from East and West and they could travel and commune as freely as I did.

Some of the pictures I uploaded to Facebook were images while we stood on that wonderful ground.

Yesterday we drove 4 hours to Gutersloh for an afternoon of meetings. The Autobahn was amazing. To travel at 100 mph and be passed like we were standing still was boggling to the mind. The feeling of traveling at that speed is very different that traveling in the United States. Here in Germany the roads are so well taken care of and flat that the speed was never an issue. The drivers were so amazingly courteous as well. They would very easily move for a faster moving vehicle and gave appropriate space to other vehicles. Such an antithesis from driving in the states. We traveled 8 hours and never once saw an accident. In Utah I can't seem to drive 8 minutes on the freeway without seeing one. I must admit that one of my greatest childhood dreams was to drive the Autobahn. This Saturday will be my opportunity while we travel from Berlin to Frankfurt.

Hopefully that portion of the trip will allow for a little more downtime. We are going to try to find a few castles to visit along the way. If we do I will be sure to take plenty of pictures.

My Best Friend

It must be fall!!! It seems that every fall I listen to more and more country music, then as the weather gets warmer, I listen to rock. Well, today is cold and windy - so country it is. One of my favorite artist is Tim McGraw. Many of his songs seem to speak to me. Today on the way to work I cranked a song of his - "My Best Friend." It is a great song about a man and his best friend, his wife. The words resonant with me very deeply.

You're more than a lover
There could never be another
To make me feel the way you do
Oh we just get closer
I fall in love all over
Every time I look at you
I don't know where I'd be
Without you here with me
Life with you makes perfect sense
You're my best friend
You're my best friend, oh yeah

This is how I feel about my Becky. She really is my best friend. It is hard to imagine that she has been in more than half of my life. Just last week we celebrated Rachael's 17th birthday. It seems like yesterday when Becky and I were 17 and going to homecoming. Since then life has been a blur, with the only undeviating clarity in my life is my love for Becky.

No, today is not an anniversary. Nor is it a birthday. It is just another day that I celebrate My Best Friend. She gives me strength, gives me meaning. Becky - I love you!!!

Don't Feel Like It

I just don't feel like it. No matter how many times I have thought about updating my blog, I just turn away. I am not even sure why...other than I just don't feel like it.

Sure, I have many things to write about...my kids, my family, life, work, church, etc. Maybe it is the thought that I have so much to say that I have writers block. Maybe the thought is too overwhelming. I guess I can keep telling myself that. Maybe I will even believe it.

As I sit here writing why I do not write, I am watching Jillian throw a temper tantrum. Yup the full tantrum with throwing books and crying. Sometimes I feel like doing that but I guess age and circumstances prohibit me from following through. Funny how after she is done with the tantrum, which lasted all of about 2 minutes, she is doing much better. Maybe I should throw one and see what other people do. But then I guess seeing a grown man throw a temper tantrum would be both scary and funny. So I guess I will allow age and circumstances win for now.

Another funny note...now that I have written, I still don't feel like it. But at least I have written.

Color Correction

Becky has been studying how to be a better photographer. She isn't taking any formal classes, just looking up new ideas on the internet. One thing we have learned is that even the great photographers of our day crop and color correct. I guess it really does prove that what you see is not always reality.

Sometimes I wish our lives could be just as easily color corrected. On days when you are carrying your own weather, wouldn't it be great to make a few easy adjustments with your mouse, and wham-o, a new image. I have found that there have been days I have been able to color correct. But I guess my save function was not working. Ok, lately I think I have had many of those days and not sure why. Perhaps I have been really killing myself at work.

I have been very worried about the impression I am giving to my employer. Do they think I am worth the investment that they have placed in me, or am I falling short? My boss assures me I am doing a great job, but I have been so overloaded I am not sure I am meeting all of goals. So, in an effort to get ahead, I took a day off. I know, sounds funny to take a day off to get ahead. But in reality it worked great. I was able to "sharpen the saw" and rejuvenate myself. It was wonderful. I took Becky, Zach, and Jilly to the golf course with me. My original intention was to play 9 holes, but it was so busy I was only able to hit a bucket of balls. Probably a good thing too, my golf game is so poor I would have made a fool of myself on the course.

While we were there Becky took pictures of the kids and I. It was so fun to have them there to play with. Certainly an activity I will need to do again. To bad I do not have a job that enables me to play all day. I guess then I would have to work to take a break!

But in reality, it was the best color correction I could have done for myself. Now I am ready to take on the challenges again.

Competitive

I am a very competitive person. So much so that I despise losing. To me it it the ultimate failure. In fact, it is so bad that I even hate losing to my kids. Ok, I know - it is a sickness.

But there is one other place that I hate losing even more - work. Recently I have been feeling like I have been beaten up at work. I guess it because I am feeling so overwhelmed by all that I have to do. Or perhaps a small part of me is not happy with my current job. Regardless of the reasons I feel like I am losing.

Recently my boss came to me and said we needed to come up with a plan to complete the Annual Workload requests. These requests are from the Area Presidency in each area with their request for DVDs in their language. Certainly an honorable request, and one that should be filled. The issue is that these requests have been coming in for the past 7-8 years, and little to no work has been completed on them. My job literally depends on me cleaning up the mess.

So how do I answer to call to a system and project that seems to be broken? Look at it as a competition! All I have to say is "Game on!"