A New Direction

Sometimes in our lives we travel along roads that are all too unfamiliar to us. Then, when we get to the proverbial fork in the road, must make a decision about which way to go.

I feel that I have been traveling towards a fork in the road, and all I have seen is the ability to turn either right or left. But, what if I decided to create my own road. Where would it lead? Would I be happy with the results? How would I even know?

Although it is not a requirement of my doctoral program I thought I might want to take a few moments to reflect on my journey. The root of Organizational Leadership is founded on principles of self-leadership and mastery. I am not a perfect person, nor do I think I can ever become such. But I can decide to be better. This power to change does not come from fancy over-priced text books, self-help classes, or intriguing emotionally charged movies. Rather the power to change comes from Christ. It is through Him that all things are possible.

I don't know how I will make the journey. There are so many unanswered questions - where will the money come from to pay tuition, books, and travel; or how will my family survive a seemingly absent parent figure (not to mention Becky's own educational journey). All I know is that I have faith. Faith that we will survive - no, not survive. We will flourish, grow, and become who our Father in Heaven wants us to be. As long as we push forward unceasingly with a perfect brightness of hope.

I do have hope. Hope for a better future. Hope that all things are possible. And trust that the journey will be well worth the price.

Just When You Think...

I know. Shocker. I am actually writing a blog post. Not sure why I am writing this...but I am.

It is amazing how sometimes you think life is going pretty well, and then Wham-O! Life kicks you pretty hard from the back side. I am really struggling with keeping my head up amidst the latest challenges. I know it is Satan that is getting to me, and I need to get out of this rut. But man...sometimes it is just hard.

There are so many things I want to get out, but all that does is drudge up the negative. So instead I will try to focus on the blessings I have.

A good friend of mine gave an amazing devotional today at work. It was about the Spirit of God and the blessings we can receive by having that Spirit in our lives. My goal this week is to see what I can do to have more of His spirit in my daily life. I need to find ways to not let life's tribulations get the best of me.

So, with that in mind I am off to go see if my broken down car is still on the side of the road. Then hopefully get it running again.

An Attitude of Gratitude

President Monson, in the April 1992 General Conference spoke on gratitude of mothers, fathers, teachers, friends, country, and Savior in his talk "An Attitude of Gratitude".

He wrote of teachers as such: The teacher not only shapes the expectations and ambitions of pupils; the teacher also influences their attitudes toward their future and themselves. If the teacher loves the students and has high expectations of them, their self-confidence will grow, their capabilities will develop, and their future will be assured.

If life is the greatest teacher, I would say I have received an amazing lesson. But lessons are only effective if the learner is engaged and willing to learn. Thankfully, I have been an eager learner with regards to my health and possible cancer. Often I received a message of hope of good tidings from friends and even strangers.

Many have even mentioned that they can not believe that we are doing so well regardless of what stormy weather seems to be pounding upon us. I think my secret is two fold: good attitude and gratitude.

When I asked Becky to marry me, I promised I would make her laugh at least once every day. Although I have not been perfect at my goal, I would say that there have only been a few days in our married life that I have not accomplished it (most of those were days that I was out of town.) Finding humor in life has been key for me.

But it was not until recently that I truly found how powerful gratitude can be. I heard recently in a talk that we should try to offer a prayer that is filled with gratitude and does not ask for anything. That attitude has permeated my being and I feel truly grateful for so many of life's little quirks. Sorrows look sweeter, grief is easier to bear, and life is not so easily taken for granted.

If all that I receive from my cancer scare is deeper joy and understanding I will be eternally grateful. I would think my greatest blessing at this time is that I can see blessings a little easier. It is in that way that Christ has taken my burdens and made them light. May I be a profitable servant who lives with an attitude of gratitude.

Cumulous Nimbus

I knew that I would have good days and bad days. I was not ready for a rough day to happen today. The frustration of insurance, the worry of money, the realization that my actions (even if not meant) are affecting others, the fitful sleep, the sour orange, have all gotten me a little down today.

I had a horrible time sleeping last night. Waking up more times than I care to count, thinking about my insurance. Worried that they are not paying for everything. It really is a silly thing to get to me, but I guess I have let it get to me today.

So, in the effort to keep my chin up I brought some wonderful, sweet oranges to work. Thinking it was a better choice than the fudge someone brought, I carefully peeled it so as not to get it on my white dress shirt. Smelling the fragrant aroma my mouth was watering. Slowly I took my first expectant bite....ouch. It bit back. The orange was so sour I couldn't even finish the first bite. Since that was a complete bomb I went to wash my hands. As I was drying off, I noticed that my tie was now wet. Guess I washed more than my hands. Ugh...

It sure is funny how there are days that we "carry our own weather." It seems that when I am down that the storms of life billow up a little taller.

In an effort to stay out of my own rain...I ended up eating a piece of fudge. Of course it wasn't what I really wanted, but it was better than a sour orange. For the rest of the day...not sure. Guess I will have to see what I can do to change my weather station.

A Journey of Life

Life has been an interesting ride lately. In fact, I am not even sure what to write. Guess I will start with something simple - gratitude.

The gratitude that I have is for the amount of prayers that have been flooding my way. I have never requested anyone to pray for me, but I have definitely felt the wonderful affects. The power of the priesthood and the blessings I have received have truly sustained me in a difficult time.

I am sure there will be many difficult days and months ahead, but I feel the loving peace of Christ each and everyday. One part of my blessing reminded me to see how a caring Father in Heaven is ever mindful of us. He continues to bless us, even when we may not feel worthy to receive it.

Becky asked me the other day if I felt prepared to meet our Heavenly Father face to face. I do not think that anyone truly feels ready - I see so much that I need to improve upon. And yet, compared to yesterday, last month, or last year, I am much more ready today. I think that is how life helps us learn. If we were born ever ready to return to heaven there would be no need for this mortal life. So, in that aspect I see that I am not ready to return home. But I am more prepared today than in the past. And my goal and constant prayer is that I will be more ready tomorrow than I am today.

This isn't meant to be the "Mark is dieing" entry, just a subtle reminder to myself that I have so much to live for. Even today, as I am facing the reality that the doctors think I have cancer, I am upbeat. I am grateful. I am happy. And most of all I am loved.

My hope is that I can live a life dedicated to Christ. That I may be able to give back what I have so aptly taken - the prayer and love of others. This life is truly a journey. One, that if lived each day with the understanding that we are the sons and daughters of a Heavenly King, will bring us back to His presence.

I really enjoy fast and testimony meetings. The kids are so simple in their understanding of life. Without fail few of the young children will stand and declare their love for their family. I too stand with those sweet children announcing my love for my family. They are what sustains me in life. They are the Journey of Life we take together.

Fast Cars and Freedom

One of the problems with my trip is that it is full of business meetings. It seems I have very little time to "enjoy" the country. That only happened on the first day here when we went to Alexander Platz and the Brandenburg Gate. Wonderful places of history.

It was truly amazing to stand where the Berlin wall was. The emotions running through my veins were a mixture of sadness and gratitude. The sadness was from realizing that I was standing where brave souls died for the dreams and hopes of a better life. As I reflected on that almost sacred ground, the gratitude I felt for not only my own individual freedoms, but that I was amongst Berliners from East and West and they could travel and commune as freely as I did.

Some of the pictures I uploaded to Facebook were images while we stood on that wonderful ground.

Yesterday we drove 4 hours to Gutersloh for an afternoon of meetings. The Autobahn was amazing. To travel at 100 mph and be passed like we were standing still was boggling to the mind. The feeling of traveling at that speed is very different that traveling in the United States. Here in Germany the roads are so well taken care of and flat that the speed was never an issue. The drivers were so amazingly courteous as well. They would very easily move for a faster moving vehicle and gave appropriate space to other vehicles. Such an antithesis from driving in the states. We traveled 8 hours and never once saw an accident. In Utah I can't seem to drive 8 minutes on the freeway without seeing one. I must admit that one of my greatest childhood dreams was to drive the Autobahn. This Saturday will be my opportunity while we travel from Berlin to Frankfurt.

Hopefully that portion of the trip will allow for a little more downtime. We are going to try to find a few castles to visit along the way. If we do I will be sure to take plenty of pictures.

My Best Friend

It must be fall!!! It seems that every fall I listen to more and more country music, then as the weather gets warmer, I listen to rock. Well, today is cold and windy - so country it is. One of my favorite artist is Tim McGraw. Many of his songs seem to speak to me. Today on the way to work I cranked a song of his - "My Best Friend." It is a great song about a man and his best friend, his wife. The words resonant with me very deeply.

You're more than a lover
There could never be another
To make me feel the way you do
Oh we just get closer
I fall in love all over
Every time I look at you
I don't know where I'd be
Without you here with me
Life with you makes perfect sense
You're my best friend
You're my best friend, oh yeah

This is how I feel about my Becky. She really is my best friend. It is hard to imagine that she has been in more than half of my life. Just last week we celebrated Rachael's 17th birthday. It seems like yesterday when Becky and I were 17 and going to homecoming. Since then life has been a blur, with the only undeviating clarity in my life is my love for Becky.

No, today is not an anniversary. Nor is it a birthday. It is just another day that I celebrate My Best Friend. She gives me strength, gives me meaning. Becky - I love you!!!

Don't Feel Like It

I just don't feel like it. No matter how many times I have thought about updating my blog, I just turn away. I am not even sure why...other than I just don't feel like it.

Sure, I have many things to write about...my kids, my family, life, work, church, etc. Maybe it is the thought that I have so much to say that I have writers block. Maybe the thought is too overwhelming. I guess I can keep telling myself that. Maybe I will even believe it.

As I sit here writing why I do not write, I am watching Jillian throw a temper tantrum. Yup the full tantrum with throwing books and crying. Sometimes I feel like doing that but I guess age and circumstances prohibit me from following through. Funny how after she is done with the tantrum, which lasted all of about 2 minutes, she is doing much better. Maybe I should throw one and see what other people do. But then I guess seeing a grown man throw a temper tantrum would be both scary and funny. So I guess I will allow age and circumstances win for now.

Another funny note...now that I have written, I still don't feel like it. But at least I have written.

Color Correction

Becky has been studying how to be a better photographer. She isn't taking any formal classes, just looking up new ideas on the internet. One thing we have learned is that even the great photographers of our day crop and color correct. I guess it really does prove that what you see is not always reality.

Sometimes I wish our lives could be just as easily color corrected. On days when you are carrying your own weather, wouldn't it be great to make a few easy adjustments with your mouse, and wham-o, a new image. I have found that there have been days I have been able to color correct. But I guess my save function was not working. Ok, lately I think I have had many of those days and not sure why. Perhaps I have been really killing myself at work.

I have been very worried about the impression I am giving to my employer. Do they think I am worth the investment that they have placed in me, or am I falling short? My boss assures me I am doing a great job, but I have been so overloaded I am not sure I am meeting all of goals. So, in an effort to get ahead, I took a day off. I know, sounds funny to take a day off to get ahead. But in reality it worked great. I was able to "sharpen the saw" and rejuvenate myself. It was wonderful. I took Becky, Zach, and Jilly to the golf course with me. My original intention was to play 9 holes, but it was so busy I was only able to hit a bucket of balls. Probably a good thing too, my golf game is so poor I would have made a fool of myself on the course.

While we were there Becky took pictures of the kids and I. It was so fun to have them there to play with. Certainly an activity I will need to do again. To bad I do not have a job that enables me to play all day. I guess then I would have to work to take a break!

But in reality, it was the best color correction I could have done for myself. Now I am ready to take on the challenges again.

Competitive

I am a very competitive person. So much so that I despise losing. To me it it the ultimate failure. In fact, it is so bad that I even hate losing to my kids. Ok, I know - it is a sickness.

But there is one other place that I hate losing even more - work. Recently I have been feeling like I have been beaten up at work. I guess it because I am feeling so overwhelmed by all that I have to do. Or perhaps a small part of me is not happy with my current job. Regardless of the reasons I feel like I am losing.

Recently my boss came to me and said we needed to come up with a plan to complete the Annual Workload requests. These requests are from the Area Presidency in each area with their request for DVDs in their language. Certainly an honorable request, and one that should be filled. The issue is that these requests have been coming in for the past 7-8 years, and little to no work has been completed on them. My job literally depends on me cleaning up the mess.

So how do I answer to call to a system and project that seems to be broken? Look at it as a competition! All I have to say is "Game on!"

Life is Good

Life is good. It really is. And I don't think I am trying to convince myself that it is. Maybe it is because my favorite 2 weeks every other year is the Olympics. Maybe it is because Rachael and Andrew are at EFY. Or perhaps it is just because I realize that even with all the junk that life is throwing us right now that we are surviving. Not just spiritually, but temporally as well. Let's face it, our finances are....well let's just say interesting. Our house is messy. The kids are wishing we could have done more fun activity this summer. But life is good.

It seems like it is easy to point out the negative things in our own lives. So I am going to focus on the positive. Rachael will have surgery in a few weeks. This is a good thing. In fact, we did not think we were going to afford it, but a great blessing came our way recently. Sometimes, in religion, people feel that their own religion has the corner market on inspiration. That is just not true. Heavenly Father loves all of his children, regardless of which religion. And because He loves his children, He wants to bless them. Our blessing came in the form of a very concerned step-mom. She was so in tune with the spirit that she knew she needed to call and find out what is going on in our lives. Being the typical stubborn prideful me, I was quick to assure her that all we well in our home. But Judy has a way of asking just the right questions. You know the ones - "Mark I know you are in need, tell me what is happening." My first reaction was to once again calm her concerns with a subtle "All is well." But I knew inside that she would not let up until I told her what was happening.

After our conversation, Judy sent me an email. Below is some of what she said:

The Lord already told me that you needed our help. It does not matter that we have pride, because I already knew something was going on and the first chance that I had to call, I did. Forget my frustration, I love you and your family so much that I am going to be there for you no matter if you tell me or not. Remember that God is in control, not us. He allows things to happen so that we learn to depend on HIM not ourselves, so no matter what, He will have HIS WAY ANYWAY so don't feel bad. Forget that. I already knew that there was an issue, I just did not know exactly what it was.

I love that the Lord is mindful of our needs. He truly loves us and wants to bless us. Often our blessings come through the actions of others.

So I can honestly say that "life is good." We all have our ups and downs; but if we persist, rely on the Lord, and give our humble thanks for the Lords blessings, he will continue to bless us.

Post of Many Topics

Well, my un-retirement party went well. Thankfully, I have a holiday in the middle of the week because I am in need of a break. My mind is clear and I feel that I have been adding value to my job. But my body is tired and in need of a rest. I am home today and back in the office tomorrow, then it is off for the weekend. Seems like the perfect way to get back in the swing of things. And hey, because of my un-retirement there will be fireworks! (ok maybe it is because of the 24 of July, but I will pretend it is a celebration of my success.)

Changing to another topic - what is the deal with school fees? I mean really, the amount we have to pay for our kids to go to school is amazing. Andrew has a $50 participation fee. Really, you have to pay to participate. I thought school was all about participation and now you have to pay for it. Then he will be graded on his participation on top of that. Kind of reminds me of double taxation. But I shouldn't complain - it is still summer time and we have another month of playing with the kids before the school year starts. Not that summer time has anything to do with school fees, but I guess it just gives me more time to not think about school.

Today is also a monumental day in the land of blogging. Yup, that's right, a historical moment in time. My mom has entered the blogging hemisphere. She is nervous, scared, young, and yet taking a wonderful step into the future. My hope is that she can share with her children and grandchildren her thoughts and experiences. Good luck Mom!

Coming out of Retirement

Some of the most prolific athletes in the world have done it, so why can't I? What is it that they have done you ask. Well, come out of retirement. So, I am announcing today that I am ready to un-retire. That's right - I am going back to the rat race.

You may even be asking yourself - "Why would you want to go back to work? Isn't retirement great?" I must admit, when I realized that I needed to stay home from work after my surgery, that I was very excited. Think about it, a week of watching movies, playing the Wii, and reading. How bad could that be? Well, let me tell you. I am BORED. I have not watched so much tv, played so many video games, and took as many long naps since I was in elementary school. The first day was great. But then the monotony took over.

Day in and day out the same thing. So, I am ready to announce that I want to go back to work. The thought of sitting at a desk, using my mind, talking with adults, solving complex problems, etc. sounds wonderful.

The trick now is to convince my body that I am ready to go back. Today was a good test run. We went to church and within about 45 minutes I was so exhausted I was ready to go to sleep right there in the second row. Trust me, I would not be the first person to fall asleep in church, but the thought of actually doing it was more than I could bear. So, I went home and took a nap. After a nice hour or so, I was ready for more activity. Andrew and I went a home taught a neighbor family. That was nice. Adult conversation, get out of the house, take a trip somewhere further than the garage. But, once again, I was ready for a nap when I got home.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. I need it to be if I am ever going to come out of retirement and support my family.

Day before surgery

So what is it that you should be doing the day before a surgery? Well, I have tried working. Not a bad option, but it is tough to concentrate. I could surf the web. But invariably I come across pages such as "gall bladder surgery" and the after care instructions. I could watch a movie...but I am still at work. So, I guess all I can do is think about the positives.

The thought occurred to me that I could go home, but according to Becky's post, it might be better to finish out the work day. I am so close to being done for the day I think I can make it. The day has been interesting though. I noticed that I am more irritable than normal and more of a space cadet too.

But in all seriousness, I have really contemplated my blessings lately. It is a great activity when you feel a little down and over burdened. I can honestly say that we have more blessings than trials. Sure, life has been a little difficult lately, but the blessings have been phenomenal. But by tomorrow this time I may be saying something different. And if that is the case, someone please gently remind me.

Perspective

When you look through binoculars you see what is in the view finder very clearly and up close. Life, like binoculars, can give you a certain perspective that otherwise may not have come.

There is an old adage that states something to the effect to "look at the issue through the other persons eyes". A sort of reverse introspection if you will.

I have had an opportunity to gain more perspective in my life. I guess I have been playing the "what if" game with myself. Becky and her friend Heather Johns were talking the other day, and the question they discussed was "if you were to die today, would you go to the celestial kingdom?" At first blush I quickly stated "no". Not because I have grievous sins, but because I can see so many things I need to change in my life.

Upon further review the word perspective came to my mind time and time again. Sure, I have many, many things I can change. But I also began to review what I have accomplished; the many small course corrections that have brought me closer to Heavenly Father. I am thankful for the blessing of the gospel in my life. Grateful for how the spirit whispers the truth to me. And I feel so blessed to be married to my wife. If Christ is the Anchor of My Soul, she is certainly the boat that helps keep me afloat when times are tough.

Perspective is so interesting. It allows us to look back at our life, grade our changes and efforts, and look forward to a brighter day.

Independence

In a previous blog I mentioned how I love to teach. Well, I was finally able to round up some very unsuspecting students...my kids. Ok, so they really aren't students, but they did listen and participate. Parenting really is another classroom; filled with tests, pop quizzes, homework, and reports. There are times that the lessons are filled with excitement and intrigue, and other times where they are boring. Today we had a great topic - dating.

Rachael is at the dating stage and the lessons learned here can be dire. Luckily she is doing well and as parents we are so impressed. Thank goodness for the home environment that allows teens to experiment and learn within good wholesome boundaries. Sure this discussion started because we are trying to give those gentle little corrections that our children need. But it was a good correction and the mistakes are little. Rachael is a great young women and she is learning as she should. The real test is to see how she makes corrections in the future. Her independence is growing and we are thankful for that.

Speaking of independence, today is July 4th. In light of my recent gall bladder attack we have made some modifications to our celebration. It seems that so many holidays revolve around food. Why is that? What is it about our culture that makes us feel that we need to eat to celebrate? So, instead of eating our brains out, we will enjoy a simple family celebration. Although I would love to go hiking in the mountains, I do not think Rachael's bad knee, or my stomach could endure the challenge. Instead we will read books, play music instruments, and have a fun family day. Happy Independence Day everyone!

I guess I am having another type of Independence today as well. I got my blood tests back and it appears my pancreas is reactive to the gall stones. This is good, I was worried that I had full blown pancreatitis. That would have been scary. In light of the test results I will be meeting with a surgeon next week to have an initial consultation. It will be at that meeting that we will discuss the need to have my gall bladder removed. I know I have posted in the past about my desire to avoid surgery, but there are also risks with not proceeding with surgery. I have talked with several people that have had their gall bladders removed. And they all agree it is the best thing they have done - no more attacks, no more pain. To me that sounds wonderful. I certainly have my pain under control now (at least I am able to make it through the day without pain medications) because I am eating better. But I have had to limit all nuts, fat, meat, dairy, beans, etc. Basically I am able to eat fresh fruits and vegetables. Not a bad option - I have lost weight, but it is certainly boring. I would love to be able to eat nuts and beans. Oh well, I really shouldn't complain. I am doing well and feeling better. So to celebrate my Independence day I think I will go eat another apple.

Hurry up and wait

Well, I am continuing to loose weight. I guess it is a good thing and I have needed to do it for some time. I just didn't think it would happen this way. Becky and I just got back from my CT scan. It was quick and painless, outside of the IV for the contrast. All in all, it really wasn't so bad. Now I need to wait and find out what the results are. Because of HIPPA regulations Becky was not able to be there during my test and of course even as a patient I am not able to see my results. That is frustrating - a patient has no idea of his own health care. Hopefully I will have some sort of results by the end of the day, but it may not be until tomorrow. If it is my Gall Bladder they will just refer me to a surgeon.

After doing some research online, I found a few sites that talk about a Gall Bladder flush. But more intense research has turned up the serious risks involved. I know I can help control pain with diet, but once you have gall stones the likeliness of having another attack is 70%. Of course there are risks to having your gall bladder taken out as well. I guess you can say that the likeliness of having diarrhea after a greasy meal is 100%. So there are trade-offs.

Eating has been much easier too. I haven't minded eating healthy, normally I like it. But it is tough when I think of some of my favorite foods that I am no longer able to eat. Oh well...the price of beauty! lol

One thing I have noticed is how tired I am right now. I was feeling pretty good yesterday afternoon so I went with Becky to go get some fruit and veggies from Costco. It was a pretty low key event - but by the end I was tired and hurting. I worry that if I go to work right now that I will send myself into another attack. The exterior of my stomach is tender and any walking certainly hurts. Financially I need to work, but physically I think I need to wait another day. So in the meantime we will hurry up and wait to find out what the next step is.

An Unexpected Diet

Since last Thursday, I have lost about 8 pounds. I do not agree with binge and crash diets, and this is no exception. Unfortunately, I have not been able to eat much more than an apple, banana, or piece of lettuce since Friday. My stomach pains have been so intense I can not imagine having to continue with this for a long time. It seems that no matter what I do I am in pain.

According to the doctor I should receive a call Monday or Tuesday to have a CT scan. I have never been a proponent for surgery to take needed body parts out, but with the amount of pain I have been in I am certainly starting to consider it. The way I look at it is that I will need to change my diet no matter what happens. It shouldn't be too much of a change from what I am doing now. I very seldom eat red meat or dairy. So that should not be too hard. But I definitely need to be more strict about everything else.

The way I am going right now, I do not think I will be at work for a few days. It seems the more active I am the more pain I have. So I will be in bed, or on the couch, or just doing nothing for a few days until I can get this under control.

A Few Lessons Learned

When I started my blog I really didn't think anyone but my wife and kids would read it. I guess when I wrote my last post(Tired) I forgot that my boss would read it. Normally that would not be a problem, my boss Bob happens to be a very good friend and I invited him to read my blog. But in my last post I wrote a little about work...ok I gripped a little about work. Forgetting that Bob might read, he told me the next day that we should talk. Bless his heart I wonder if he is worried about how I am doing, if I am happy, what my work goals are, etc. Luckily I really do love me job. I think I was having one of those days where everything seemed to be going wrong. So Bob, if you read this post, don't worry about me. So the lesson learned here is to remember that others may read your blog - and that is great. I will just as easily write my thoughts here as I would to talk to someone. I have found that this has been a good forum for me to express my thoughts, experiences and desires.

Another funny lesson. Last year, on Easter Sunday, Rachael had a gall bladder attack. We didn't recognize it as such for several months, as the pain continued day in and day out. After speaking with a surgeon about removing her gall bladder, we decided to take a more in depth look at alternative cures. Our philosophy is that Heavenly Father created us with each of our organs for a specific purpose. It was amazing to me that so many doctors, and especially surgeons who are paid based on performing surgery's, were willing to take out the organ that is causing pain. The reason to them was simple, "Oh, the gall bladder really doesn't do much and you do not need it." That philosophy seemed so weird to us. During our research we found that much of her gall bladder pain could be controlled with diet. So we decided to eat healthier - less red meat, no dairy, more vegetables and fruits. With in a short time Rachael was feeling better and our family was healthier.

Fast forward a year - yesterday I had a terrible gall bladder attack. It was one of the most painful experiences I have had. I thought several times that I would rather break a bone than go through that again. One of the ways to reduce gall bladder pain is to eat 1 teaspoon of beets, lemon, and flax seed oil. This special mixture, if taken every hour, will decrease or even extinguish gall bladder pain within a few hours. By 4pm I still had amazing amounts of pain (I was even taking ibuprofen and naproxen for the pain) and I decided it was time to call a doctor. Sure enough the prognosis was that I was having a gall bladder attack and that it was more than likely caused by gall stones. Every time I would eat, which wasn't very much, I would double over in pain. The doctor wants me to get a CT scan to see if I have gall stones - if I do the typical response is once again surgery to remove the gall bladder. But this does not fix the root of the problem - only the effect. The doctor did mention that as I wait until next week for the CT scan I can either be very religious and fast a few days, or I can restrict my diet. Instantly I realized how poor our diet has gotten over the past year. We started out doing so well, and especially this past week have gone very very down hill. He specifically mentioned to not have fat, dairy, or much meat. Things we already knew but unfortunately took a lot of pain to bring back to our remembrance.

So I am back to eating healthy again. More veggies and fruit and less meat. Really this is not a bad thing, I certainly loose weight and feel better. I just get so darn bored with the choices.

All in all it has been a good week. I have learned a few really good lessons. Now the trick is to improve next week. That always seems to be the difficult part.

Tired

Tonight I am ornery. Sometimes I get tired of working my consulting. Really I should be thankful, but after a long day I just didn't feel like working more. But alas I did what was needed. I am hoping that by expressing my frustration here that I will get it out of my system and feel better about myself and life in general. Wow...this is kind of a depressing blog today. I guess that is the thing with journals...you have good and bad days. And it is not that it has been a bad day, just that I am frustrated with certain aspects of my life.

I have been waiting what seems like years to find out if I have been selected for a job that I have really wanted. After feeling like I have been getting the run around I am having a difficult time waiting any longer. I know that it is just business and I am trying not to take the long, long wait personal, but it is hard not too. Hopefully by the end of this week I will have some idea if I got the job or not. Of course I do not know what I will do if I do not get the job. I love what I do now but I feel so under appreciated and under utilized. Perhaps with the new director, Chris Twitty, our division will move to something a little more cutting edge. Oh, and even if I do move up the ladder at work I still need to consult. That is kind of depressing too. This whole raising a large family, feeding a large family, and driving a large family sure makes for an interesting financial outlook.

Ok...one more quick gripe, then I will be happier - I promise. When our department re-organized I put my name in to be considered for a management position. It would be a fun job - manage the e-learning/kiosk team. But I have not heard anything about that either so I am once again trying not to take the lack of response personal. These are business decisions and I certainly understand that they need to find the best people to fulfill these roles. I am just feeling like I am getting the run around and that I do not fit their profile for a manager. Hummm....I hope I am not getting the itch to be self employed again. I love being self employed, but I also really need a steady income right now. So I am trying to temper my desire to "break-out".

So, all-in-all, I am tired. Ready for a break. Physical, mental, temporal...I just need a break. Guess it is time to start visualizing the beach!

Now that I have had a chance to get some frustrations of my chest, I think I will go read a book and do something for me. Although I did do something for me today. I bought some drum sticks and a practice pad. I think I want to learn how to play the drums. One of my goals in life is to play the steel drums. Most people in the west don't really know what the steel drums are but I love the sound. Guess it is a way for me to get back to the tropics without leaving my mountains - which is perfect for me.

Isn't it funny how you begin to feel better just getting some frustration off your chest. So if anyone reads this (which is highly unlikely - other than my wife) I am feeling better. Not enough to start another day, but certainly better enough to end this one. Have a great night!